Bonus Poem

On Judgement Day,

when God sifts through my poems and says

actually only one of these counts as a poem

and the other ones are really what we would call

"mild expressions" or

"profane offenses that jeopardized the future of humanity"

you know what

I wont let it get me down guys

I will say well I guess I am just a one poem poet

and it's a good thing that poem

was a prayer

asking God to give everyone

5 million dollars and a pet guinea pig

and a magic coke machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tour of the Universe

You may not know what to think 

if you find out on Judgement Day

that you owe everyone who ever lived 

an individual apology,

and then when you arrive at each house 

to tell them you're sorry, 

every single person

gives you a fruit spritzer 

with a bag of jelly drops

and caramel creme crumpets.

Shadowlight

It does not make a lot of sense

to be a bad person in Jesus's name,

but it can be quite a blast of kindness

to face the world

with all your faults and foibles

and especially with what is even worse.

A blazing sacrifice,

and does that gift not increase

with every flicker of a shadow?

Perhaps some people glow

with an eerie green light,

and their torches of faith

are in a dark cave of a soul.

Are we not the essence of Halloween?

Jackolanterns being smashed

while the children trick or treat.

opportunity

In heaven I’ll be perfect and I won’t have any sin.

I’ll never be annoying and I won’t be rude again.

So love me now the way I am instead of getting mad,

‘Cause now will be your only chance to love me while I’m bad.

Religious Poetry

Evangelicals should try some new strategies

like hiding communion in the buffet at Golden Corral, 

but I am still planning to be a member of First Presbyterian in Purgatory.

I wonder how rude it is to just sign the bulletin at church instead of singing.

This poem is pretty funny isn't it?

What if you ask God

for salvation

but you accidentally

pronounce it as “salivation”

and God answers your prayer

by making there be

a pork chop hologram

floating in front of you

everywhere you go

for the rest of your life?

The tuition of discipleship

Sometimes

When you are working on

An important Christian project

Like staying alive,

Something's gotta give.

You just can't do everything

And for me

The first thing to go 

will have to be

My righteousness

And then my character and good deeds

And all my faith and values.

And then what will be left

But my bloody heart on a stick

On sale at Bi-Lo 

In the candy apple section.

A sandwich for the meditator’s open hands

Something for nothing

And nothing from something

or nothing from nothing

but a vault in the sky.

Or a sky that’s a vault

With treasures told.

The lie of pandora’s box.

A distraction as the ornate designs

On the walls of deception

Start to move and people realize

The garden is dangerous now.

God makes them leave

And we say serves them right

But God says

Serves them right

To not eat more bad apples.

And then there is a bucket of candy

That no one expected

For me to tell a real story

Of an actual day in the park.

Animal Story Prompt

What if you wanted to find out about Jesus

so you asked a Christian

who had a bumper sticker that said

“I love to tell the story,”

but it turns out

that the story they love to tell

is the one about how

their dog died

when they were in fifth grade?

poem

Sometimes I cross the line

with my little religious jokes, don't I?

Well a crossed line is a cross

so maybe that works out a little bit.

poem

On Judgement day in front of everyone

I am going to tell Jesus Christ

That I am the person who invented trains.

People will be looking on

And they will be like wow

And Jesus will probably say

Well done

But most everyone

Won't realize

that of course I didn't invent trains

and he is just saying 

My joke was well done.

A memory of home

There used to be a scary story where 

Someone put a puzzle together 

and it was a photo of the room they were in

And as they finished the puzzle, 

there was a mad man standing behind them.

Well I had a similar experience 

Except it was a cartoon puzzle with 

Some cute little quails in the corner.

Thank you for calling CVS pharmacy

I personally

Don’t think God was being sarcastic

On the cross

Or in the Bible.

People laugh sometimes 

Like when they are kids

And someone doesn’t give them some candy

And they act as if it is 

A crucifixion of sorts.

Which it kind of is

If it has to do with Glenn and the strawberry candy.

Glenn, I don’t think I took advantage

And it’s not your fault that I did not

Get to be a science puppeteer. 

Anyway, only 5 cents

For something very yummy

Unless it is medicine for 25 dollars

Plus your wasted life keeping insurance.

They are saying you don’t care about the mice in your apartment,

But why else the crumbs.

Why else the court case on the drug store phone

which is being recorded for Judgement Day.

It will be so weird when the real Supreme Court

Turns out to be in a meadow somewhere

Near some trees,

Or at a restaurant where the good people

Always order oatmeal out of politeness.

A litmus test based on either

Random manners on a Saturday

Or the perpetual state of a human heart,

Destined to be found out as either

A fabric and liquid machine spewing acidic hatred

Or a galaxy too beautiful to behold except over some span of eternity.

Should I make this poem an epic poem,

And say that if you read it, you have to eat it,

In either paper format or shards of computer glass?

Otherwise you will be on the list for the curse of earthloss,

which is a real curse, you know, from an apple tree

That some people say they don’t believe in.

I don’t believe in apples, either,

Except at Christmas when people scatter the popcorn.

That is a reference to the great rhyme of game war junction,

Near the bad people’s monitoring system,

Where they watch the video tapes

Of grocery store transactions.

This poem was over a long time ago. 

See if you can find the real last line.

You can’t, can you? Because the poem

Made you remember

That you have a bag of strawberry candy in the

Kitchen drawer labeled consortionism.

I have used that idea before, haven’t I?

Well people told me to recycle

Right when I most needed a plastic bag.

Except you think that might not be when I most needed the bag,

But that the other times were times

When I did have a plastic bag, so I did not notice.

Well that is why we should all be punished for everything we do.

They should call jobs “punishments,”

And when people turn 18,

They should go to school to help them decide

Where to go to be punished.

People are mad at me now and say life is already like that,

Except some people think school is like that

And not work, which is why the stupider people 

Get paid for knowing about phones and subtraction,

but if you think a thought while staring out a window,

Your mom will find out and you can’t ever own a house.

It is from one of the other rule systems,

Enforced by secret shoppers that are traded among companies.

So we don’t really know who is who

When we are in our neighborhood. 

The pharmacy people

Could be the cops

Who are following you

Because of the report from that guy

Who hummed the wrong way on the bench.

Well he is not necessarily from the political network,

Except by coincidentally being as offensive,

And having a name that they can’t spell,

Because they only know how to tear up things

Instead of calling someone with good news.

So here we are again,

Back to the whole main idea

That was challenged in the beginning,

Which was caramel sauce on fried bananas.